There are so many times lately that i just want to scream. Scream and scream and scream until my throat is raw, tears running down my cheeks, no air left in my lungs. I want this frustration - no, this worry - out of me. This hetic manic nightmare which concerning my mum i feel like i am trapped in.

I won't go into details about what has happened to made me feel like this, because that is not the point of this post. No, the point is to get out the frustation which is linked to it.

Lately i have come to realize that i am very closed off, which frankly i think is a good thing, otherwise i would seem like an attention seeking brat really, but now, now i just want to let it out.

This worrying feels like it is tearing me apart trying to contain it. Trying to hide it from everyone else; college friends, new friends, old friends, family. Really, i want to shout in their faces about it all, about how i'm trying to deal with it, and how they don't have to.

That i'm scared she is going to give up again, or her health just become so bad she is admitted to hospital - again - and kept in this time. She is so weak, so tired, so pale and fragile, and the worst of it - she says she's fine! It's the ultimate twisted truth really, those words, she knows she is not, i know she is not, but yet we won't argue on it because it will make her iller, and there is nothing which can be done. She's fine now compared tohow bad she has been in the past. I know she will never be well like other people, i know i will never have a healthy mum like my friends but does that mean i should just lay back and let this become...normal? no, not the right word, should i ajust to it? no, not that either...this is normal for us, an everyday routine. Give up. Those are the words.

Well no. I won't stop worrying for her and trying to look after her until she gives up and fails both me and the rest of the family. She's my mum, i will always be there for her, just as she has struggled this long for my dad, my brother, and me.

Reading this back it makes little sense to someone i can imgine, but yes i do think this is part of the manic madness out. For sure not all of it, and certainly not the darkest of it, but maybe it will help a little.

It seems like all i write on here now days is angst related, and mostly about my mum. Well i say that, i can't actually remember the last time i posted an entry on here.

What can i say - are things better? I know she's still unhappy, but right now that doesn;t seem to be the biggest problem. She's on new tablets and they have a major side-effect; they make her dizzy. Everytime she bents down slightly, stand up from sitting down. Can you think how often you do those things every day without thinking about it? Seems like she does every few minutes. So everytime this happens, i am at her side to hold her as she sways.

Sometimes i'm not though - she goes to bed early as she has very little energy, and without fail she gets up to use the bathroom, and there is a thud. I have found her on the floor so many times were she has fainted, holding her head where she has hit it. I dread coming home from college one day to find her laying out cold on the floor with a major head wound.

Of course she has been to the doctor - their advice; wait a few weeks to see if it goes away and come back then if not! What kind of fucking advise is that!?What fucking use is that going to do when she falls over and hits her head?!

Maybe if they saw what these effects were really like, how much i fear the worst thing possible will happen, maybe if they were in my fucking shoes something might happen.

I feel like screaming sometimes, just one long yell. I want this...this horribleness to be gone. Its like i'm a glass 3/4 full of oil. Can someone tip me over? Yet i know, of course i know, that there are plently of people who have a much worse life than what i seem to. I could be without my mum, or she could have some other form of problem.

At least she's here, she's alive. I know that of course. Just, i wish i could be tipped over.

There are lots of ways my friendship group shows affection for one another. Usually its in our photoshoots; half of the pictures show us giggling wildly at some comment one of us has said. In other ways it the sleep overs we have; where we can chat about anything without worries of what anyone else will say.

There have been the silent times. Rosa doesn't have any idea how many times i have defended her when we were in high school. There is only so much teasing and bitching you can take about your best friend from the people in your classes. And i was proud to do this - there was no reason for them to be like this! I can ignore comments made about myself completely, but i won't stand for it against my friends; to do it behind their back just shows cowardness which says even more.

The surprise party we planned for her last thursday, is another example of this i think. Things at college have been hard for her resently, so why not show her where and who her real friends were. We planned for months behind her back, made false - confusing - plans and had to try - or fail - to surpress the giggles.

Oddly, i think the shinning moment was when she was sitting silently at the table, just looking around at everyone, and her eyes were gleaming very slightly and for one second i thought the tears would come. This showed how much she liked the party. This was all the thanks that was needed because it was real, raw emotion.

a happy post

Well, dad didn't lose his job thankfully. Waiting for dad to call was horrible - it was so tense, but when he did and told us the good news, everything was good. Mum was so happy, she was convinced he wouldn't.

My parents have gone away for the week, and its just me and my brother at home, which is werid, but kinda cool hehe. I mean, it's quite and a bit lonely when Rory goes out, but it does mean i have the car for the week. Aside from yesterday when some idiot parked slightly behind me when i had another completely in front of me, which meant having to do some stressful reversing, it has been freedom.

For example me and my two best friends went to a beautiful wood and had a morning of photo taking and catching up which is well overdue. And on thursday shall be full of fun as well, which i will make sure i write about on here afterwards.

Over all things ar looking up - finally. After so many months filled with fear, anger and worry, i hope that the new ones will carry on this good note.

Fuck...........

tomorrow we'll find out if my dad is being made redundant....

He loves his job. He's a teacher at the National Construction College. He gets on so well with the guys, always thinking of new things for them to do, but enjoy at the same time. For example he brought in our old broken lawnmower last week, they fixed it, then managed to do wheelies on it in the carpark.

But three people have to go.

If he does loose it, i honestly don't know what will happen. He knows people, but if he'll be able to get another job straight away.....? And thats not what i'm even the most worried about. It's mum. She is so scared.

I was doing homework on the floor and she sat in the chair, and in a small voice she said 'Kim, what will we do if dad looses his job'

Even now, i am the parent and she is still the child.

God, what if he does, and she gets worse? If she tried it again, another overdose, or worse something like cutting her wrists or drowning herself?! I can't deal with that again! I may be 18 but i need my mum!

A friend of mine said to me i have a lot of inner strength, and i agree with her, i do. But if this happens its going to crack and i won't be able to deal with it on my own.

come on, you guys know i mean you

One sits neatly, umbella twirling and smiling sneakily. The other crouches amongst the bluebells, camera held, making the most stupid faces to cause a real smile.

Best friends take you on spontanious trips, they laugh kindly at your mistakes, they silently hold out their hand for you to hold to help them across a ditch, you can lay in bed and admit how scare you both are about the future with them, they can say what matters most when you are crying down the phone to them and have no one else to turn to.

They help you forget all of the scary world and pressures, and for those moments captured in a camera, those grins and arms hung around each other, they are never forgotten, they are there for in the future when you want to remember about being a teenager.

These people, are wonderful. They are brillant, beautiful - best.

Never let us change.

Friendship

I haven't blogged in a while, what with family life, college and a new job. I do miss doing it - yer i know i didn't do it nightly and i can't figure out how to add pictures in yet - but it was nice to get thoughts out of my head.

Lately things have been rather crappy. I worry about my mum daily. I've wrote a few short pieces about her on here, but i think i'm going to write a main one pretty soon. About the day she tried to take the overdose. Not for attention, but i have it going round and round in my head, and well because its in tv programes all the time - a popular topic for soaps to lure in viewers - but if people really knew what it was like...well.. To the viewers it really is just fiction. But no. It does happen in real life. My dad may get made redundant in two months, and its horrible because he loves his job, he really does! And worse there's nothing he can really do to make sure he keeps it. Just plod on and keep doing well.

I was in a foul mood last week. With this in my head, and the worry i may have run a red light at the weekend, therefore loosing my licence. The day before me and Rosa had planned a spure of the moment bike ride to litcham, like we usually do several times a year.

I don't think she knows how much that day meant to me. I was stressed when she came over, and we took the dog for a walk before setting off. I had a bit of a moan and she tried to calm me down, but it didn't really work.

Biking for ten miles, a beautiful day, just me and my best friend, now that worked. I forgot completley. For just that day, where me and her laughed and talked like we hadn't for a long time, i felt just like every other teenager. I felt normal, like i didn't have to hide any secrects, that in one word, i had my 'freedom' back.

A few days later, the roles were reversed. She called up and was really down. I knew exactly what would work to cheer her up. There are these woods about...five miles away from me. Stunnily beautiful ones. Small patches of trees with curling earth and leaf paths. Her eyes lighted up. Rosa adores taking photos - and is darn good at doing it - and captured us laughing in the tree. Not posed, just laughing over some thing stupid, a proper photo.

When she goes to uni i will hate it. It takes me a while to open up to people, and for three years, or more, things will be different. There won't be any sontanious bike rides or sleep overs. I can't simply drive home from her's at two in the morning when i realize i have to go.

Will we have to grow up?

I hope to god that the answer is no. Having a friend like Rosa is like having complete freedom.