freedom....or not.

how is it i can gain freedom but yet have to look for ways to tie myself down every free day i have within the space of three days?

I proudly passed my driving test at the weekend, and the lovely insurance company are charging my dad over a yummy one thousand pounds to insure me on his peugeot 106. Isn't that a wonderful first gift of them to give us.

Job hunting is my number one thing now.

And to top it off i haven't even been able to drive the thing on my own yet as the insurace company is not open at the weekend. It was sorted out today, but it doesn't mean i was annoyed at falling into the loophole; no longer a learner so i cant drive with the plates on, but the insurance company don't know i'm now a qualified driver.

god damn....

i dont know where to start.

I think i sleep differently now. I used to sleep through literally anything, now, as soon as i hear mum's and dad's door open, i'm awake, snap, just like that. I feel so tense and wired up. Like i could run a million miles without stopping no sweat. The nerves inside of me there, again, snap, just like that.

I have to go check, i just have to! But the odd thing is, i dont want her to know i'm checking in her. After i've looked to see everything's okay, i close the door as quitely as i can. I know she doesn't want to be treated differently now, but i just can't stop myself! I'll get back into bed, and i just don't know if to go back to sleep or not. It can be six in the morning and my day off and it wont matter at all. I'm so scared it'll happen again. I feel like i can't let it happen again!

I'm eighteen i feel like screaming at everyone! I dont want this going on! It's not fair! Why should i feel like this! Dad's not worried anymore, my brother isn't, so why am i still!?

It never so bad during the day, it's just the mornings which get me.

I never know if i want to talk to someone about it. Sometimes i have all these thoughts screaming away in my head, and i just want someone to ask if i'm okay, without expecting to hear ' yer, fine thanks'. That's what i think everyone wants to hear, so i say it.Sometimes i just want someone to sit me down and say it's okay, everything's going to be okay, and give me a hug. Does that sound childish? I have this worry going around and around and around that it'll happen all again. But then at other times i just want to forget about it all - It isn't bothering me at the moment, so why should i have to think about it.

i just want to stop worrying. To stop feeling this fear. I want things to go back to how they were! I want it to be someone, not something's fault, so i can yell at them.

fairness

things haven't been fair and i hate it.

I'm glad i haven't gotten angry, but that doesn't mean i'm not nervous, or scared even.

I'm scared she'll do it again, and how...child like? it seems to have made her, and how i seemed to have taken on many adult responabilities.

I dont mind these things, just as long as she never does it again. That is a perfectly fair deal as far as i'm concerned.