It seems like all i write on here now days is angst related, and mostly about my mum. Well i say that, i can't actually remember the last time i posted an entry on here.

What can i say - are things better? I know she's still unhappy, but right now that doesn;t seem to be the biggest problem. She's on new tablets and they have a major side-effect; they make her dizzy. Everytime she bents down slightly, stand up from sitting down. Can you think how often you do those things every day without thinking about it? Seems like she does every few minutes. So everytime this happens, i am at her side to hold her as she sways.

Sometimes i'm not though - she goes to bed early as she has very little energy, and without fail she gets up to use the bathroom, and there is a thud. I have found her on the floor so many times were she has fainted, holding her head where she has hit it. I dread coming home from college one day to find her laying out cold on the floor with a major head wound.

Of course she has been to the doctor - their advice; wait a few weeks to see if it goes away and come back then if not! What kind of fucking advise is that!?What fucking use is that going to do when she falls over and hits her head?!

Maybe if they saw what these effects were really like, how much i fear the worst thing possible will happen, maybe if they were in my fucking shoes something might happen.

I feel like screaming sometimes, just one long yell. I want this...this horribleness to be gone. Its like i'm a glass 3/4 full of oil. Can someone tip me over? Yet i know, of course i know, that there are plently of people who have a much worse life than what i seem to. I could be without my mum, or she could have some other form of problem.

At least she's here, she's alive. I know that of course. Just, i wish i could be tipped over.

There are lots of ways my friendship group shows affection for one another. Usually its in our photoshoots; half of the pictures show us giggling wildly at some comment one of us has said. In other ways it the sleep overs we have; where we can chat about anything without worries of what anyone else will say.

There have been the silent times. Rosa doesn't have any idea how many times i have defended her when we were in high school. There is only so much teasing and bitching you can take about your best friend from the people in your classes. And i was proud to do this - there was no reason for them to be like this! I can ignore comments made about myself completely, but i won't stand for it against my friends; to do it behind their back just shows cowardness which says even more.

The surprise party we planned for her last thursday, is another example of this i think. Things at college have been hard for her resently, so why not show her where and who her real friends were. We planned for months behind her back, made false - confusing - plans and had to try - or fail - to surpress the giggles.

Oddly, i think the shinning moment was when she was sitting silently at the table, just looking around at everyone, and her eyes were gleaming very slightly and for one second i thought the tears would come. This showed how much she liked the party. This was all the thanks that was needed because it was real, raw emotion.

a happy post

Well, dad didn't lose his job thankfully. Waiting for dad to call was horrible - it was so tense, but when he did and told us the good news, everything was good. Mum was so happy, she was convinced he wouldn't.

My parents have gone away for the week, and its just me and my brother at home, which is werid, but kinda cool hehe. I mean, it's quite and a bit lonely when Rory goes out, but it does mean i have the car for the week. Aside from yesterday when some idiot parked slightly behind me when i had another completely in front of me, which meant having to do some stressful reversing, it has been freedom.

For example me and my two best friends went to a beautiful wood and had a morning of photo taking and catching up which is well overdue. And on thursday shall be full of fun as well, which i will make sure i write about on here afterwards.

Over all things ar looking up - finally. After so many months filled with fear, anger and worry, i hope that the new ones will carry on this good note.

Fuck...........

tomorrow we'll find out if my dad is being made redundant....

He loves his job. He's a teacher at the National Construction College. He gets on so well with the guys, always thinking of new things for them to do, but enjoy at the same time. For example he brought in our old broken lawnmower last week, they fixed it, then managed to do wheelies on it in the carpark.

But three people have to go.

If he does loose it, i honestly don't know what will happen. He knows people, but if he'll be able to get another job straight away.....? And thats not what i'm even the most worried about. It's mum. She is so scared.

I was doing homework on the floor and she sat in the chair, and in a small voice she said 'Kim, what will we do if dad looses his job'

Even now, i am the parent and she is still the child.

God, what if he does, and she gets worse? If she tried it again, another overdose, or worse something like cutting her wrists or drowning herself?! I can't deal with that again! I may be 18 but i need my mum!

A friend of mine said to me i have a lot of inner strength, and i agree with her, i do. But if this happens its going to crack and i won't be able to deal with it on my own.

come on, you guys know i mean you

One sits neatly, umbella twirling and smiling sneakily. The other crouches amongst the bluebells, camera held, making the most stupid faces to cause a real smile.

Best friends take you on spontanious trips, they laugh kindly at your mistakes, they silently hold out their hand for you to hold to help them across a ditch, you can lay in bed and admit how scare you both are about the future with them, they can say what matters most when you are crying down the phone to them and have no one else to turn to.

They help you forget all of the scary world and pressures, and for those moments captured in a camera, those grins and arms hung around each other, they are never forgotten, they are there for in the future when you want to remember about being a teenager.

These people, are wonderful. They are brillant, beautiful - best.

Never let us change.

Friendship

I haven't blogged in a while, what with family life, college and a new job. I do miss doing it - yer i know i didn't do it nightly and i can't figure out how to add pictures in yet - but it was nice to get thoughts out of my head.

Lately things have been rather crappy. I worry about my mum daily. I've wrote a few short pieces about her on here, but i think i'm going to write a main one pretty soon. About the day she tried to take the overdose. Not for attention, but i have it going round and round in my head, and well because its in tv programes all the time - a popular topic for soaps to lure in viewers - but if people really knew what it was like...well.. To the viewers it really is just fiction. But no. It does happen in real life. My dad may get made redundant in two months, and its horrible because he loves his job, he really does! And worse there's nothing he can really do to make sure he keeps it. Just plod on and keep doing well.

I was in a foul mood last week. With this in my head, and the worry i may have run a red light at the weekend, therefore loosing my licence. The day before me and Rosa had planned a spure of the moment bike ride to litcham, like we usually do several times a year.

I don't think she knows how much that day meant to me. I was stressed when she came over, and we took the dog for a walk before setting off. I had a bit of a moan and she tried to calm me down, but it didn't really work.

Biking for ten miles, a beautiful day, just me and my best friend, now that worked. I forgot completley. For just that day, where me and her laughed and talked like we hadn't for a long time, i felt just like every other teenager. I felt normal, like i didn't have to hide any secrects, that in one word, i had my 'freedom' back.

A few days later, the roles were reversed. She called up and was really down. I knew exactly what would work to cheer her up. There are these woods about...five miles away from me. Stunnily beautiful ones. Small patches of trees with curling earth and leaf paths. Her eyes lighted up. Rosa adores taking photos - and is darn good at doing it - and captured us laughing in the tree. Not posed, just laughing over some thing stupid, a proper photo.

When she goes to uni i will hate it. It takes me a while to open up to people, and for three years, or more, things will be different. There won't be any sontanious bike rides or sleep overs. I can't simply drive home from her's at two in the morning when i realize i have to go.

Will we have to grow up?

I hope to god that the answer is no. Having a friend like Rosa is like having complete freedom.

hehe, i think you really know when times have changed when your driving, your brother is sitting in the passenger seat, and the parents in the back...

freedom....or not.

how is it i can gain freedom but yet have to look for ways to tie myself down every free day i have within the space of three days?

I proudly passed my driving test at the weekend, and the lovely insurance company are charging my dad over a yummy one thousand pounds to insure me on his peugeot 106. Isn't that a wonderful first gift of them to give us.

Job hunting is my number one thing now.

And to top it off i haven't even been able to drive the thing on my own yet as the insurace company is not open at the weekend. It was sorted out today, but it doesn't mean i was annoyed at falling into the loophole; no longer a learner so i cant drive with the plates on, but the insurance company don't know i'm now a qualified driver.

god damn....

i dont know where to start.

I think i sleep differently now. I used to sleep through literally anything, now, as soon as i hear mum's and dad's door open, i'm awake, snap, just like that. I feel so tense and wired up. Like i could run a million miles without stopping no sweat. The nerves inside of me there, again, snap, just like that.

I have to go check, i just have to! But the odd thing is, i dont want her to know i'm checking in her. After i've looked to see everything's okay, i close the door as quitely as i can. I know she doesn't want to be treated differently now, but i just can't stop myself! I'll get back into bed, and i just don't know if to go back to sleep or not. It can be six in the morning and my day off and it wont matter at all. I'm so scared it'll happen again. I feel like i can't let it happen again!

I'm eighteen i feel like screaming at everyone! I dont want this going on! It's not fair! Why should i feel like this! Dad's not worried anymore, my brother isn't, so why am i still!?

It never so bad during the day, it's just the mornings which get me.

I never know if i want to talk to someone about it. Sometimes i have all these thoughts screaming away in my head, and i just want someone to ask if i'm okay, without expecting to hear ' yer, fine thanks'. That's what i think everyone wants to hear, so i say it.Sometimes i just want someone to sit me down and say it's okay, everything's going to be okay, and give me a hug. Does that sound childish? I have this worry going around and around and around that it'll happen all again. But then at other times i just want to forget about it all - It isn't bothering me at the moment, so why should i have to think about it.

i just want to stop worrying. To stop feeling this fear. I want things to go back to how they were! I want it to be someone, not something's fault, so i can yell at them.

fairness

things haven't been fair and i hate it.

I'm glad i haven't gotten angry, but that doesn't mean i'm not nervous, or scared even.

I'm scared she'll do it again, and how...child like? it seems to have made her, and how i seemed to have taken on many adult responabilities.

I dont mind these things, just as long as she never does it again. That is a perfectly fair deal as far as i'm concerned.

I have these moments sometimes when everything goes....odd. I haven't had in a long time now, over a year, and though i should perhaps worry about them, or at least tell a doctor, i haven't.

Time slows down and noise seems louder, and the light is brighter.

As freaky as those moments are, and i can hear myself thinking 'wow...weird moment again' - except even that is drawn out, like in tv shows or films when things are in slow motions and they talk in that drawn out voice - they are moments when i can marvel at the things around me.

Running water is the best if i happen to be looking at it. Water should be smooth, clear and moving so fast you can't see one part from another. In my moments water is made up of diamond shapes, all locking together, a thousand different shades of blue, and it all hangs in the air. I can see it so perfectly.

I feel like these moments are a snapshot of time. I shouldn't get to see them, but i do. I glimsp at them. I get to see the beauty of everyday things which we all pass over.

We don't take them time to see things often enough. But we should. There are so many details in life that we miss out on. Take the moment to see the diamonds in the water once in a while.