a perfect white christmas

I have always loved snow; its a chance to perhaps have the day off from school or college, build a snow thing of some sort,maybe do some sledging and get revenge back on the family with the aid of snow balls.

Humm...the last few days have changed that...our electric had been playing up all day on thursday - on and off, but at quater past ten it went off - and stayed off.

It stayed off for two whole days and two nights - i have never been so cold; we do have a wood burner, but we couldn't have it burning a lot of wood, because there was no power to work the pump to move the water around which it heats - ie it would literally get too hot and break. So it was a case of sitting huddled in blankets. Having no water was no great laugh either. My dad hod gotten our generator out and we ran for an hour on both days, so the we filled up any container we could find with water and had a quick wash.

When the night came round we had candels everywhere and lantens, so it looked very pretty, abet difficult to see things clearly.

It was so odd. You'd automatically go to turn something on, and then it would click, oh no, that won't work...

Most people don't have wood burners to give out heat, or generators to give a little power. It's horrible to sit here, even now, and think that some people might be out of elelctric still, and may be freezing, they're houses the same temperature as outside, unable to cook food or drink water.

This has changed my view on snow slightly though. It great fun - if you have power and water.

Three days a week i pretend to be someone i'm not.

I dress up, i plaster on make-up and fiddle around with my hair.

But for what? To simply fit in it seems. To make my day just that little bit easier.

But sometimes i think i'm not the only one. Sometimes i think the whole class is at it; all sitting there, trying to say the right things, come out with the right reactions, join in with the moaning which seems the right thing to moan about purely because others are. It like one big circle.

Get the pieces on their own, and they are different. Their real personaities comes out. Their fears and dreams. How they worry about their families, see where their friends are making the wrong choices.

Why does socitiy make us like this? Make us behave differently just because we think it will make us get on better with other people? Everyone does, in every group of people, even if they are all best friends. Just tiny details.

I have only seen one person who falls outside of this, if only for a few moments. In her pictures she captures what she is really thinking - feeling. looking through them today, i think everyone should do the same. It gives a chance to just let your real self show and shine - when i am at college and really talking to the girls, it shows some of them are lovely. It's such a shame they are hidden.

pet names

I realized i was very much like someone else the other night.

She hates being called pet names, and even nicknames from her friends at most times. I never really thought about why she didn't like it - to me it just made her character more interesting.

I was labelled with 'Sweetie' and 'Trouble'.

Instantily i felt irritated at the person.

I had known them a few hours - what the hell gave them the right to call me in such an indering way! Only when you've known someone for a while should yo be able to call them something like that because it is a personal thing!

...I had this same kind of reaction when i started college and a new friend asked if i had a nick name - i told her, and she immedatily started to call me it. I annoyed me to no end!

Why am i like this?!

depression

I came home yesterday and my mum was in bed. Its nothing new, she's often is, sometimes more than out of it. Its because of her depression. It makes her tired and gives her really bad migranes.

I dont mind my mum having depression at all. I'm used to it - to me its normal - she's had it since she was young, so all of my life.

I was sitting at the end of her bed near her feet and just talking with her about my day, then i asked her about hers. She'd been to the hospital, where she where she has regualr meetings in the bit which deals with your mental health with the doctors. Just the way she was talking about it made me feel scared, i don't know why, maybe just her tone of voice. So i asked if her depression was getting worse.

She paused for a second then shrugged, said 'Kim, you're old enough to know, because of my depression, it makes me have...bad thoughts sometimes.' the thing is when she's tired she often forgets things. I know all of this, she's told me before, but this time i really thought about what she was saying.

Bad thoughts meant suicidal thoughts.

I had a hard day, i was stressed out and now this. I just felt my eyes go and started crying.

I hear people complain about their mums all the time, and how they don't get on. How they hate them and that they argue all the time.

Trust me, you dont have to worry about how bad your mum's mental health is and if one day you'll have to face life without her.

one hell of a stressful day.....

Body painting. Love it. The best lesson we have in my option. I dont care i have to get up at six on a friday morning and not get home until about half five - i adore this day!

The assesment however....well, that was just plain bad.

A deafening collection of heavy bass and rock music woke me from my models alarm tone. I said something about turning the bedside on light, she clicked it on, and...nothing.

'Not another bloody bulb!' was my first thought.

Oh no. My clock wouldn't light up when it was pressed like usual. Stumbling out of bed and across the room i hit the main light. Nothing agian.

A power cut. From what mum told me when i got home at the end of that day, that night had been thundering and lighting and both of my parents had actually gotten up and were gone down stairs to look at it. Me, nope, still fast alseep like a log.

So there is me and my model, my dad and brother all trying to get ready for the day, with no electric, or water may i add, with torches in hands and trying to find candles.

Once we got to the college it was all manic. No one knew where to set up, we had to get all the screens, towels, hairdressing equiptment, body paint, water, airbrush machines and chairs into our room without banging into anyone and then it was a case of 'go when your ready'.

My body paint was too detailed, i just didn't have enough time to paint all of it!Then of course we had the hairdressing teacher breathing down out necks to start on the hair - fair enough - but we can't leave the body paint unfinished or we'll fail that part as well!

I have to hand it to my model, my friend beth, she was great. There was me stressing out, swearing, smudging paint all over me as well as her, and she just stood and sat there like it was all normal. Even when i couldn't get the bra to stick to her she wasn't too fussed! Honestly, there isn't a bit of her body i now don't know.

Oh, and what really made the day - my friend told me she was leaving the course. That she'd had enough of all the work, of the bitchyness, of not learning anything new anymore and the new uniform.

There was one bright moment it has to be said. I was peckish - i hadn't eaten anything for six hours, so i dug out our tub of chocolate brownies. Yup yup! Half way through eating it, my hairdressing teacher poked her head around the screen. We were allowed to eat then, but i think they had in mind sandwiches and fruit. The healthly sort of thing. Not a pig out. She raised her eyebrows at me ' Hard work doing assesments ins't it?' All i could do was nod with a mouthful of brownie.

So all in all, i was glad when it was the end of the day. I collasped into bed and slept in late this morning. What my grades are i shall find out tomorrow. Christ i hope there good - i don't want to have to do a re-take of that. I think a bigger tub of brownies would be needed.