I have always loved snow; its a chance to perhaps have the day off from school or college, build a snow thing of some sort,maybe do some sledging and get revenge back on the family with the aid of snow balls.
Humm...the last few days have changed that...our electric had been playing up all day on thursday - on and off, but at quater past ten it went off - and stayed off.
It stayed off for two whole days and two nights - i have never been so cold; we do have a wood burner, but we couldn't have it burning a lot of wood, because there was no power to work the pump to move the water around which it heats - ie it would literally get too hot and break. So it was a case of sitting huddled in blankets. Having no water was no great laugh either. My dad hod gotten our generator out and we ran for an hour on both days, so the we filled up any container we could find with water and had a quick wash.
When the night came round we had candels everywhere and lantens, so it looked very pretty, abet difficult to see things clearly.
It was so odd. You'd automatically go to turn something on, and then it would click, oh no, that won't work...
Most people don't have wood burners to give out heat, or generators to give a little power. It's horrible to sit here, even now, and think that some people might be out of elelctric still, and may be freezing, they're houses the same temperature as outside, unable to cook food or drink water.
This has changed my view on snow slightly though. It great fun - if you have power and water.
Saturday, 19 December 2009
Sunday, 13 December 2009
Three days a week i pretend to be someone i'm not.
I dress up, i plaster on make-up and fiddle around with my hair.
But for what? To simply fit in it seems. To make my day just that little bit easier.
But sometimes i think i'm not the only one. Sometimes i think the whole class is at it; all sitting there, trying to say the right things, come out with the right reactions, join in with the moaning which seems the right thing to moan about purely because others are. It like one big circle.
Get the pieces on their own, and they are different. Their real personaities comes out. Their fears and dreams. How they worry about their families, see where their friends are making the wrong choices.
Why does socitiy make us like this? Make us behave differently just because we think it will make us get on better with other people? Everyone does, in every group of people, even if they are all best friends. Just tiny details.
I have only seen one person who falls outside of this, if only for a few moments. In her pictures she captures what she is really thinking - feeling. looking through them today, i think everyone should do the same. It gives a chance to just let your real self show and shine - when i am at college and really talking to the girls, it shows some of them are lovely. It's such a shame they are hidden.
I dress up, i plaster on make-up and fiddle around with my hair.
But for what? To simply fit in it seems. To make my day just that little bit easier.
But sometimes i think i'm not the only one. Sometimes i think the whole class is at it; all sitting there, trying to say the right things, come out with the right reactions, join in with the moaning which seems the right thing to moan about purely because others are. It like one big circle.
Get the pieces on their own, and they are different. Their real personaities comes out. Their fears and dreams. How they worry about their families, see where their friends are making the wrong choices.
Why does socitiy make us like this? Make us behave differently just because we think it will make us get on better with other people? Everyone does, in every group of people, even if they are all best friends. Just tiny details.
I have only seen one person who falls outside of this, if only for a few moments. In her pictures she captures what she is really thinking - feeling. looking through them today, i think everyone should do the same. It gives a chance to just let your real self show and shine - when i am at college and really talking to the girls, it shows some of them are lovely. It's such a shame they are hidden.
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
pet names
I realized i was very much like someone else the other night.
She hates being called pet names, and even nicknames from her friends at most times. I never really thought about why she didn't like it - to me it just made her character more interesting.
I was labelled with 'Sweetie' and 'Trouble'.
Instantily i felt irritated at the person.
I had known them a few hours - what the hell gave them the right to call me in such an indering way! Only when you've known someone for a while should yo be able to call them something like that because it is a personal thing!
...I had this same kind of reaction when i started college and a new friend asked if i had a nick name - i told her, and she immedatily started to call me it. I annoyed me to no end!
Why am i like this?!
She hates being called pet names, and even nicknames from her friends at most times. I never really thought about why she didn't like it - to me it just made her character more interesting.
I was labelled with 'Sweetie' and 'Trouble'.
Instantily i felt irritated at the person.
I had known them a few hours - what the hell gave them the right to call me in such an indering way! Only when you've known someone for a while should yo be able to call them something like that because it is a personal thing!
...I had this same kind of reaction when i started college and a new friend asked if i had a nick name - i told her, and she immedatily started to call me it. I annoyed me to no end!
Why am i like this?!
Thursday, 3 December 2009
depression
I came home yesterday and my mum was in bed. Its nothing new, she's often is, sometimes more than out of it. Its because of her depression. It makes her tired and gives her really bad migranes.
I dont mind my mum having depression at all. I'm used to it - to me its normal - she's had it since she was young, so all of my life.
I was sitting at the end of her bed near her feet and just talking with her about my day, then i asked her about hers. She'd been to the hospital, where she where she has regualr meetings in the bit which deals with your mental health with the doctors. Just the way she was talking about it made me feel scared, i don't know why, maybe just her tone of voice. So i asked if her depression was getting worse.
She paused for a second then shrugged, said 'Kim, you're old enough to know, because of my depression, it makes me have...bad thoughts sometimes.' the thing is when she's tired she often forgets things. I know all of this, she's told me before, but this time i really thought about what she was saying.
Bad thoughts meant suicidal thoughts.
I had a hard day, i was stressed out and now this. I just felt my eyes go and started crying.
I hear people complain about their mums all the time, and how they don't get on. How they hate them and that they argue all the time.
Trust me, you dont have to worry about how bad your mum's mental health is and if one day you'll have to face life without her.
I dont mind my mum having depression at all. I'm used to it - to me its normal - she's had it since she was young, so all of my life.
I was sitting at the end of her bed near her feet and just talking with her about my day, then i asked her about hers. She'd been to the hospital, where she where she has regualr meetings in the bit which deals with your mental health with the doctors. Just the way she was talking about it made me feel scared, i don't know why, maybe just her tone of voice. So i asked if her depression was getting worse.
She paused for a second then shrugged, said 'Kim, you're old enough to know, because of my depression, it makes me have...bad thoughts sometimes.' the thing is when she's tired she often forgets things. I know all of this, she's told me before, but this time i really thought about what she was saying.
Bad thoughts meant suicidal thoughts.
I had a hard day, i was stressed out and now this. I just felt my eyes go and started crying.
I hear people complain about their mums all the time, and how they don't get on. How they hate them and that they argue all the time.
Trust me, you dont have to worry about how bad your mum's mental health is and if one day you'll have to face life without her.
one hell of a stressful day.....
Body painting. Love it. The best lesson we have in my option. I dont care i have to get up at six on a friday morning and not get home until about half five - i adore this day!
The assesment however....well, that was just plain bad.
A deafening collection of heavy bass and rock music woke me from my models alarm tone. I said something about turning the bedside on light, she clicked it on, and...nothing.
'Not another bloody bulb!' was my first thought.
Oh no. My clock wouldn't light up when it was pressed like usual. Stumbling out of bed and across the room i hit the main light. Nothing agian.
A power cut. From what mum told me when i got home at the end of that day, that night had been thundering and lighting and both of my parents had actually gotten up and were gone down stairs to look at it. Me, nope, still fast alseep like a log.
So there is me and my model, my dad and brother all trying to get ready for the day, with no electric, or water may i add, with torches in hands and trying to find candles.
Once we got to the college it was all manic. No one knew where to set up, we had to get all the screens, towels, hairdressing equiptment, body paint, water, airbrush machines and chairs into our room without banging into anyone and then it was a case of 'go when your ready'.
My body paint was too detailed, i just didn't have enough time to paint all of it!Then of course we had the hairdressing teacher breathing down out necks to start on the hair - fair enough - but we can't leave the body paint unfinished or we'll fail that part as well!
I have to hand it to my model, my friend beth, she was great. There was me stressing out, swearing, smudging paint all over me as well as her, and she just stood and sat there like it was all normal. Even when i couldn't get the bra to stick to her she wasn't too fussed! Honestly, there isn't a bit of her body i now don't know.
Oh, and what really made the day - my friend told me she was leaving the course. That she'd had enough of all the work, of the bitchyness, of not learning anything new anymore and the new uniform.
There was one bright moment it has to be said. I was peckish - i hadn't eaten anything for six hours, so i dug out our tub of chocolate brownies. Yup yup! Half way through eating it, my hairdressing teacher poked her head around the screen. We were allowed to eat then, but i think they had in mind sandwiches and fruit. The healthly sort of thing. Not a pig out. She raised her eyebrows at me ' Hard work doing assesments ins't it?' All i could do was nod with a mouthful of brownie.
So all in all, i was glad when it was the end of the day. I collasped into bed and slept in late this morning. What my grades are i shall find out tomorrow. Christ i hope there good - i don't want to have to do a re-take of that. I think a bigger tub of brownies would be needed.
The assesment however....well, that was just plain bad.
A deafening collection of heavy bass and rock music woke me from my models alarm tone. I said something about turning the bedside on light, she clicked it on, and...nothing.
'Not another bloody bulb!' was my first thought.
Oh no. My clock wouldn't light up when it was pressed like usual. Stumbling out of bed and across the room i hit the main light. Nothing agian.
A power cut. From what mum told me when i got home at the end of that day, that night had been thundering and lighting and both of my parents had actually gotten up and were gone down stairs to look at it. Me, nope, still fast alseep like a log.
So there is me and my model, my dad and brother all trying to get ready for the day, with no electric, or water may i add, with torches in hands and trying to find candles.
Once we got to the college it was all manic. No one knew where to set up, we had to get all the screens, towels, hairdressing equiptment, body paint, water, airbrush machines and chairs into our room without banging into anyone and then it was a case of 'go when your ready'.
My body paint was too detailed, i just didn't have enough time to paint all of it!Then of course we had the hairdressing teacher breathing down out necks to start on the hair - fair enough - but we can't leave the body paint unfinished or we'll fail that part as well!
I have to hand it to my model, my friend beth, she was great. There was me stressing out, swearing, smudging paint all over me as well as her, and she just stood and sat there like it was all normal. Even when i couldn't get the bra to stick to her she wasn't too fussed! Honestly, there isn't a bit of her body i now don't know.
Oh, and what really made the day - my friend told me she was leaving the course. That she'd had enough of all the work, of the bitchyness, of not learning anything new anymore and the new uniform.
There was one bright moment it has to be said. I was peckish - i hadn't eaten anything for six hours, so i dug out our tub of chocolate brownies. Yup yup! Half way through eating it, my hairdressing teacher poked her head around the screen. We were allowed to eat then, but i think they had in mind sandwiches and fruit. The healthly sort of thing. Not a pig out. She raised her eyebrows at me ' Hard work doing assesments ins't it?' All i could do was nod with a mouthful of brownie.
So all in all, i was glad when it was the end of the day. I collasped into bed and slept in late this morning. What my grades are i shall find out tomorrow. Christ i hope there good - i don't want to have to do a re-take of that. I think a bigger tub of brownies would be needed.
Sunday, 22 November 2009
Proving yourself
Have you ever had to prove to someone something?
Maybe that you could do a task, or to show off a skill? Perhaps just simply show qualifications?
Next Saturday I am facing the biggest ‘prove something’ I have ever had to do.
As you have probably guessed I love to paint and draw and generally be arty. I found this course called Access to Art and Design at the college I am at the moment. Its only one year. It’s qualification is a recognised art one, and by the sounds of it, it is a general one, so I could do what I wanted. Sounds perfect right?
You have to be 19 to go on it. It is for mature students.
After a talk with some random guy I found in the art staff room (okay not totally random, he does, you know, work at the college in that department) it goes down to if I can prove I’m good enough and get them to ignore the fact I will be a month to young.
My reasoning is simple. Firstly; one month. That is all that makes the age difference – my birthday is in October for crying out loud! Secondly, its not as if I haven’t done any art in these two years! We do design sheets for every single look we do, decorate our books which for me involves drawing in them, we’re doing body painting! If that’s not arty enough I don’t now what is! Oh, and there’s the huge tree mural in my parents hall I did, the one in my best friends boyfriends bedroom, the musical score and dragon in my room! And I draw randomly for fun anyway!
So, come on, surely that’s good enough reasoning?
Let’s hope. And pray… and possibly… beg. Like mad.
Maybe that you could do a task, or to show off a skill? Perhaps just simply show qualifications?
Next Saturday I am facing the biggest ‘prove something’ I have ever had to do.
As you have probably guessed I love to paint and draw and generally be arty. I found this course called Access to Art and Design at the college I am at the moment. Its only one year. It’s qualification is a recognised art one, and by the sounds of it, it is a general one, so I could do what I wanted. Sounds perfect right?
You have to be 19 to go on it. It is for mature students.
After a talk with some random guy I found in the art staff room (okay not totally random, he does, you know, work at the college in that department) it goes down to if I can prove I’m good enough and get them to ignore the fact I will be a month to young.
My reasoning is simple. Firstly; one month. That is all that makes the age difference – my birthday is in October for crying out loud! Secondly, its not as if I haven’t done any art in these two years! We do design sheets for every single look we do, decorate our books which for me involves drawing in them, we’re doing body painting! If that’s not arty enough I don’t now what is! Oh, and there’s the huge tree mural in my parents hall I did, the one in my best friends boyfriends bedroom, the musical score and dragon in my room! And I draw randomly for fun anyway!
So, come on, surely that’s good enough reasoning?
Let’s hope. And pray… and possibly… beg. Like mad.
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
birthday presents
Today is my 18th birthday.
Last night, as i watched the clock tick closer and closer to midnight, i honestly did not feel very excited. Perhaps becuase i never enjoy the aspect of getting older each year, or the fact i am sort of celebrating my birthday by going paintballing with my nearest and dearest in November.
I did have one burst, when a family friend came to the door holding onto a balloon with 18 all over it - becasue i have never had a birthday balloon before and the little child in side of me went 'WOW!' - but then it quickly went to fear that tomorrow was my birthday!
So today, the morning, was lovely, with cards and presents from family and family friends, then it was off to college for the afternoon. I didn't tell people it was my birthday - not sure why, but i felt like it would be..sort of showing off? My plan quickly went down the drain thanks to facebook. That clever little thing had shown everyone it was my birthday so from my fellow stdents to my tutours sent me happy birthdays, and i even got them singing it to me in hairdressing at the very end.
Then once i had come in from the pouring rain home - my trousers sticking to me, my shoes literally full of water and my soaks wring-out-able - my grandparents came round so hugs and kisses were exchanged, and the general birthday stuff.
Soon after they left my Rosaio turned up. She has been hinting at my present for months now and refusing to give me even one hint! Driving me nuts! And of course she started on about my card on the phone before she came round - which she managed to save from her blood spurting finger - so i couldn't wait to see them!
She is the best. So creative, so inventive, so cleverly computer skilled! She put together the best present of my day; it beat all the money, clothes, chocolate and real diamond earings! It is something with thought, something personal and above all something which has friendship covered on every page. It sums up a large part of my childhood and teenage years which i hope will continue for a long time yet. I can not take my eyes off it. I can not say how much i love it.
But i certainly will treasure it for all my life.
Last night, as i watched the clock tick closer and closer to midnight, i honestly did not feel very excited. Perhaps becuase i never enjoy the aspect of getting older each year, or the fact i am sort of celebrating my birthday by going paintballing with my nearest and dearest in November.
I did have one burst, when a family friend came to the door holding onto a balloon with 18 all over it - becasue i have never had a birthday balloon before and the little child in side of me went 'WOW!' - but then it quickly went to fear that tomorrow was my birthday!
So today, the morning, was lovely, with cards and presents from family and family friends, then it was off to college for the afternoon. I didn't tell people it was my birthday - not sure why, but i felt like it would be..sort of showing off? My plan quickly went down the drain thanks to facebook. That clever little thing had shown everyone it was my birthday so from my fellow stdents to my tutours sent me happy birthdays, and i even got them singing it to me in hairdressing at the very end.
Then once i had come in from the pouring rain home - my trousers sticking to me, my shoes literally full of water and my soaks wring-out-able - my grandparents came round so hugs and kisses were exchanged, and the general birthday stuff.
Soon after they left my Rosaio turned up. She has been hinting at my present for months now and refusing to give me even one hint! Driving me nuts! And of course she started on about my card on the phone before she came round - which she managed to save from her blood spurting finger - so i couldn't wait to see them!
She is the best. So creative, so inventive, so cleverly computer skilled! She put together the best present of my day; it beat all the money, clothes, chocolate and real diamond earings! It is something with thought, something personal and above all something which has friendship covered on every page. It sums up a large part of my childhood and teenage years which i hope will continue for a long time yet. I can not take my eyes off it. I can not say how much i love it.
But i certainly will treasure it for all my life.
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
September
September has brought different things for me in the past, different meanings.
Mostly, it has brought back the return of school, the death of the summer hoildays when we were so free to do as we wished; stay up late, get up without the annoying and loud alarm clock and the summer sun warming you through to the heart. In those days it was a return to a routine, a new timetable to get used to and to catch up with people, almost an excitment to be back in a farimiliar setting which you can slip effortlessy back into.
Today is the second of september, and there is a new change - this time in the weather. Like it has been set, the temperture has gone down enough that i had to begrudengly pull on a jumper and shut the back door, and it has rained all afternoon. Not the thunderstorm heavy rain which you can't stop but be excited about and drawn to watch the lighting flash across the dark sky and feel the thunder shake your very core, but the dull rain which falls from equally dull grey clouds, simply making you feel depressed.
I feel like i come alive in the summer when the sun shines, is it just me or is everyone like that? i just love to stand out in it, feeling the warmth soak into me. Not for the fact of getting a tan, but just to feel the light and glourious gentle warming heat, to feel the life it brings to the garden and how it makes everything lazy; the butterflies slowly fluttering their beautiful wings, the bees woofting from one blooming flower to the next and the dog panting in it, refusing point blank, clearly saying it would rather boil than move from the sunshine.
And now it is dull and grey, soaking wet and dark. A whole 'nother year until it comes around again.
Yes. The summer is over and September is here.
Mostly, it has brought back the return of school, the death of the summer hoildays when we were so free to do as we wished; stay up late, get up without the annoying and loud alarm clock and the summer sun warming you through to the heart. In those days it was a return to a routine, a new timetable to get used to and to catch up with people, almost an excitment to be back in a farimiliar setting which you can slip effortlessy back into.
Today is the second of september, and there is a new change - this time in the weather. Like it has been set, the temperture has gone down enough that i had to begrudengly pull on a jumper and shut the back door, and it has rained all afternoon. Not the thunderstorm heavy rain which you can't stop but be excited about and drawn to watch the lighting flash across the dark sky and feel the thunder shake your very core, but the dull rain which falls from equally dull grey clouds, simply making you feel depressed.
I feel like i come alive in the summer when the sun shines, is it just me or is everyone like that? i just love to stand out in it, feeling the warmth soak into me. Not for the fact of getting a tan, but just to feel the light and glourious gentle warming heat, to feel the life it brings to the garden and how it makes everything lazy; the butterflies slowly fluttering their beautiful wings, the bees woofting from one blooming flower to the next and the dog panting in it, refusing point blank, clearly saying it would rather boil than move from the sunshine.
And now it is dull and grey, soaking wet and dark. A whole 'nother year until it comes around again.
Yes. The summer is over and September is here.
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Art confidence
I've always been creative and arty ever since i was little; i suppose it helped that my primary school seemed to focus on that much more than anything else - which is good because history and science in primary school is sooooo boring! So yes, that helped, and my parents always encouraged it.
I suppose i come from a big family of creative people; my dad used to be an engineer before become a teacher and he's great at wood work - half our funisher is made by him! Then there's my mum who constantly cooks, sews and will draw if the mood takes her. My brother used to draw when he was younger, birds mostly, but he sort of lost the trail of it. The closest of my grandads; another engineer and woodwork person and the other one can play the keyboard better than anyone i know, and both my nan's sew; making quilts and clothes. So yes, i come from a pretty creative family, one way or another.
Art in high school was fun, though i always remember wishing we had more of the lessons - hell i hated the teacher, but the actual doing art was fun! I took it as a GCSE and though i seemed to have to slave over it constantly, i really did like it really, and even better when we could do our own thing in it. I remember drawing the things in my coursework books, and thinking they were ok, but obviously not that good as my teacher never gave me much encourgment. Although my wonderful friends and family made up for it. So, considering all that; how in my rushed convosations with my art teacher, i was expecting a C, possibly a B.
When results came around it really showed how bad she was. I got an A. I dont want to gloat, just explain how surprised i was - i was not expecting that! I remember looking down at the paper and just thinking 'What?! How could i have gotten an A?!'
So that gave me a bit of confidence; though i am careful never to show off about it. I'll gladly answer if someone asks what i got in art, but i know never to gloat and brag. I've always been able to put myself in others shoes very easily, see things from their point of view, so i always remind myself that i meet someone who bragged about their ability all the time, i would hate them! So, i keep quite. And still doubt myself.
To help encourge me with my art, my parents have always let me paint on my walls, which i am tremendously grateful for them; it lets me put my personally on my room and pratice. I've had everything; from fish and dolphins, stars and moons, flowers, mice, cats, odd made up designs. Currently, there is a huge white and blue dragon - called Alfie - and a musical sort of score, which spills off at one end. Unless i do some room rearanging though, i dont have any more space.
But, the real thing i wanted to talk about, is the result of this wall painting, which i always thought was a fun hobby - now i'm kinda wishing i hadn't started it.
I had an insane idea! I didn;t even think it through! I told my friend about the music score i had painted, and she asked for a picture, i sent one, she told me she loved it - always nice - but then sent it to her boyfriend. I didn't mind, but then out of the blue he asked me to come and paint something on his walls! I didn't mind however, the problem came when i told my mum about what had happened.
And she suggested doing at as a part time profession! I always day dreamed of that when i was about five years younger, but now... but i agreed - that yes it would be fun, and it would get me some cash.
Only today have i really started thinking about it. I would have to be really good to do that! What if i painted something for someone, and they didn't like it, or it went wrong?!....I just dont know if i feel good enough to do that. And worse, i now preferre that idea to doing something make-upy, the course i am on, which the costs have gone well over a thousand pounds now. How can i just through that back in my parents face?! They said it was fine, that i had to do something when i left school, and at the time it seemed like the best thing to do. I just feel so...guilty. Money is hard - they had to save and save for me to be able to do that, and now it might seem like a waste!
Why some people can not wait to grow up i can not imgine - it's too full of desicions! Staying a kid is so much easier!
I suppose i come from a big family of creative people; my dad used to be an engineer before become a teacher and he's great at wood work - half our funisher is made by him! Then there's my mum who constantly cooks, sews and will draw if the mood takes her. My brother used to draw when he was younger, birds mostly, but he sort of lost the trail of it. The closest of my grandads; another engineer and woodwork person and the other one can play the keyboard better than anyone i know, and both my nan's sew; making quilts and clothes. So yes, i come from a pretty creative family, one way or another.
Art in high school was fun, though i always remember wishing we had more of the lessons - hell i hated the teacher, but the actual doing art was fun! I took it as a GCSE and though i seemed to have to slave over it constantly, i really did like it really, and even better when we could do our own thing in it. I remember drawing the things in my coursework books, and thinking they were ok, but obviously not that good as my teacher never gave me much encourgment. Although my wonderful friends and family made up for it. So, considering all that; how in my rushed convosations with my art teacher, i was expecting a C, possibly a B.
When results came around it really showed how bad she was. I got an A. I dont want to gloat, just explain how surprised i was - i was not expecting that! I remember looking down at the paper and just thinking 'What?! How could i have gotten an A?!'
So that gave me a bit of confidence; though i am careful never to show off about it. I'll gladly answer if someone asks what i got in art, but i know never to gloat and brag. I've always been able to put myself in others shoes very easily, see things from their point of view, so i always remind myself that i meet someone who bragged about their ability all the time, i would hate them! So, i keep quite. And still doubt myself.
To help encourge me with my art, my parents have always let me paint on my walls, which i am tremendously grateful for them; it lets me put my personally on my room and pratice. I've had everything; from fish and dolphins, stars and moons, flowers, mice, cats, odd made up designs. Currently, there is a huge white and blue dragon - called Alfie - and a musical sort of score, which spills off at one end. Unless i do some room rearanging though, i dont have any more space.
But, the real thing i wanted to talk about, is the result of this wall painting, which i always thought was a fun hobby - now i'm kinda wishing i hadn't started it.
I had an insane idea! I didn;t even think it through! I told my friend about the music score i had painted, and she asked for a picture, i sent one, she told me she loved it - always nice - but then sent it to her boyfriend. I didn't mind, but then out of the blue he asked me to come and paint something on his walls! I didn't mind however, the problem came when i told my mum about what had happened.
And she suggested doing at as a part time profession! I always day dreamed of that when i was about five years younger, but now... but i agreed - that yes it would be fun, and it would get me some cash.
Only today have i really started thinking about it. I would have to be really good to do that! What if i painted something for someone, and they didn't like it, or it went wrong?!....I just dont know if i feel good enough to do that. And worse, i now preferre that idea to doing something make-upy, the course i am on, which the costs have gone well over a thousand pounds now. How can i just through that back in my parents face?! They said it was fine, that i had to do something when i left school, and at the time it seemed like the best thing to do. I just feel so...guilty. Money is hard - they had to save and save for me to be able to do that, and now it might seem like a waste!
Why some people can not wait to grow up i can not imgine - it's too full of desicions! Staying a kid is so much easier!
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