The real girl which hides inside

There are so many times lately that i just want to scream. Scream and scream and scream until my throat is raw, tears running down my cheeks, no air left in my lungs. I want this frustration - no, this worry - out of me. This hetic manic nightmare which concerning my mum i feel like i am trapped in.

I won't go into details about what has happened to made me feel like this, because that is not the point of this post. No, the point is to get out the frustation which is linked to it.

Lately i have come to realize that i am very closed off, which frankly i think is a good thing, otherwise i would seem like an attention seeking brat really, but now, now i just want to let it out.

This worrying feels like it is tearing me apart trying to contain it. Trying to hide it from everyone else; college friends, new friends, old friends, family. Really, i want to shout in their faces about it all, about how i'm trying to deal with it, and how they don't have to.

That i'm scared she is going to give up again, or her health just become so bad she is admitted to hospital - again - and kept in this time. She is so weak, so tired, so pale and fragile, and the worst of it - she says she's fine! It's the ultimate twisted truth really, those words, she knows she is not, i know she is not, but yet we won't argue on it because it will make her iller, and there is nothing which can be done. She's fine now compared tohow bad she has been in the past. I know she will never be well like other people, i know i will never have a healthy mum like my friends but does that mean i should just lay back and let this become...normal? no, not the right word, should i ajust to it? no, not that either...this is normal for us, an everyday routine. Give up. Those are the words.

Well no. I won't stop worrying for her and trying to look after her until she gives up and fails both me and the rest of the family. She's my mum, i will always be there for her, just as she has struggled this long for my dad, my brother, and me.

Reading this back it makes little sense to someone i can imgine, but yes i do think this is part of the manic madness out. For sure not all of it, and certainly not the darkest of it, but maybe it will help a little.